Not alone.

Does anyone else fear being alone? Or more aptly does anyone not? When did it become a necessity that romantic attachments define the success of our lives? Why are those without romance in their lives described as alone, despite the many connections built between friends and family?

There seems to be a stigma attached to the notion of going solo, even when done so by choice. It’s one of those many supposedly ‘well-meaning’ stigmas that exist within society, where those enforcing it merely want the best for the lonely singles the world over. As I write this I should admit to a major double standard. I myself have enforced this stigma, in the most part on myself, since the day romance entered my life well over a decade ago.

Since that day little has scared me more than the notion of being ‘alone’. So much so that I sabotaged friendships, ignored family and lost sight of any idea of who I was as a person. Not once, but many times. I’ve betrayed my own desires in the name of pleasing someone who could fill the gap I was convinced would be gaping if I were ‘alone’. I’ve taken up hobbies, changed the way I speak and dress, the music I listen to and the books I read all in the name of being the perfect girl. I’ve done this so totally and successfully through my romantic life that I’m not sure I remember which of my likes, desires, dislikes and traits belong to me, and which belong to a deep yearning to be desirable.

I find myself now, at 29 years old, single and living alone (or more aptly with my best and longest friend – a 9-yo pugalier who I have never felt the need to adapt myself too). But what has become increasingly and terrifyingly clear to me is that I don’t particularly care for my own company, unless my worth is being reinforced by a man – regardless of his character. I search for reinforcement wherever I can find it, and like myself only in the brief moments that someone’s attention is focused on me. What I can’t figure out is at what point my own opinion of myself, and the opinion of my friends and family, became so utterly insignificant to my sense of self.

*It is these kinds of self-sacrificing thoughts and behaviours that leave so many individuals (particularly women) vulnerable to unhealthy and ultimately dangerous relationships.

Is it something we all learn from a young age? Growing up in a society that champions marriage and children, that encourages the sexualisation of girls at alarmingly young ages, that advertises product after product with images of the perfect couple or family. What happened to the championing of loving yourself? Of relishing your own company and taking pride in your capacity to go it alone. Maybe I missed the memo, but as far as I’ve come to learn, a full and happy life means nothing without someone to share it with.

I call bullshit.

*I also frequent tinder and jump to alert when the guy I imagine an utterly unrealistic relationship with sends me a message, no matter how mundane. I fantasize about men I walk past on the street being the guy for me and kick myself at my inaction.

But still, bullshit.

I have no idea how to achieve it, but I’m determined to love myself and my company so wholeheartedly that the concept of an intimate partner becomes an added bonus rather than my life’s goal. Any tips and tricks are openly welcomed.

And next time you consider asking your friends or family if they’ve ‘met anyone special’ or reminding them that ‘your time will come’ and ‘it will happen eventually’ take pause and reflect on the fucked-up message this reinforces. That life begins in truth only when one finally ‘partners up’. Instead consider appreciating your loved ones – single or partnered – exactly as they are and showing them that they should do the same for themselves.