I’ve noticed a pattern for myself when it comes to my mental health. Distract and avoid. Swallow the pain. Internalise. Most importantly do not draw attention to myself, lest people may form the opinion that I am self-involved, self-important, attention seeking and narcissistic. It’s a battle I have with myself internally each time that I come to the realisation that I’ve fallen into one of my dark pits of despair – as I theatrically like to refer to them. What I am slowly beginning to realise is that speaking my truth about depression and anxiety, and asking for help from those around me doesn’t make me a devil-woman interested only in my own personal success – but instead actually aligns me with the many brave individuals who live their daily lives with the added difficulty of mental illness. We’re just doing the best we know how to do, to survive in a world that was not built for us. And guess what? We exist. We always have. We always will.
I am lucky. I have my people around me reminding me to be kind to myself, as I would be to a friend. That I am worthy of love, empathy, patience, attention and care. That the clusterfuck of cruel and unusual thoughts I think about myself during these periods are just that, thoughts. Not facts. They sing praises in my ears even as I roll my eyes and tell them that it’s all bullshit and I’m fairly certain I’m a horrible human. They gently remind me to eat as I fall into a pattern of sleeping through mealtimes. They remind me of the beauty that is in my life. I am eternally grateful for these people. They are few, but their voices drown out the sounds of the world around me and are able to remind me that the intense feeling of wanting to sleep forever, and never wake – will pass. I have been here before. I will be here again.
At this time of year however, I do begin to become particularly low, moody, frustrated and prone to my outbursts of moral and ethical lectures that normally land on utterly disinterested ears. December. Christmas. X-mas. We’re going to call it x-mas because anything I can do to remove Christ from it seems like a positive. This is supposed to be a time of family, love, joy and giving. I’m fairly sure regardless of how religious you are it’s pretty safe to say that the current western world’s interpretation of x-mas is miles away from any religious holiday celebrating any death or birth or reincarnation. (Can you tell I didn’t pay attention in religious education?).
All it is now is a time to endure. A time of year where our money sucking capitalist society can leech even more of our ‘hard-earned’ money (I place hard-earned in quotation marks because I fail to see how someone working as a lawyer or business executive is working ‘harder’ than a teacher, nurse or social worker but according to finances their contribution to society is far superior). A time when we, from the comfort of our multi-billion-dollar shopping centres, can purchase ‘bargains’ made by people living in third world countries, struggling to feed themselves and their families, let alone celebrate holidays. A time when we can gather together around a table to feast on the flesh of an animal that listened to hundreds of its kin die before it met the same fate moments later, in the name of our momentary pleasure. (If the notion of a dying creature doesn’t bother you – which it should – I encourage you to research the impact that meat has on A. your body and B. the environment and tell me if you still think it is worth it).
All of this in the spirit of joy, love and giving. Let’s be real. If we are living a fairly decent life in a western country then we don’t need the exorbitance of x-mas. Sure, gather your clan. Make a meal, eat and spread love and joy and happiness. Accept one another for exactly what each of you is. I mean that. But do away with the greed and gluttony that has become synonymous with x-mas. Donate your money and your time. Practice gratitude for the excess of things we are lucky enough to have living in a country such as Australia. Give the capitalist machine a right old scare and stop buying useless shit that nobody needs. Shop within the circular economy. There are innumerable ways to do it with just the slightest research. Maybe you’ll sleep better at night. I know I do.
My 2019 X-mas List:
- Downfall of the Patriarchy
- Downfall of Capitalism
- Revolution!!!
*I would like to acknowledge that this was written on the lands of the Wurundjeri people of the Kulin Nations and I wish to acknowledge them as traditional owners and recognise that sovereignty was never ceded. I would also like to pay my respects to their Elders, past and present, and Aboriginal Elders of other communities who may be reading this.
Bad Feminist 