An open letter to the man on my flight home from Sydney
With special mention to the other men who chipped away at my faith in hu[man]ity
What makes you think that you’re entitled to take up so much fucking space?!
I am a born and bred Melbournite and have long been an active participant in the typical Sydney/Melbourne rivalry. I love Melbourne. City and suburbs. I love the laneways, the bars, the galleries, the cinemas, the food (obviously), but most of all I love the people and their incredible diversity. Sydney on the other hand I am not so enamoured with. The lock out laws, the road maps that resemble some kind of abstract maze, the statues dedicated to white colonial Australia, the public transport system (granted Opal cards are far superior to Myki), the bouncers… the list goes on. Really the only thing in Sydney that I have any interest in is my gorgeous beautiful friends. So recently I swallowed my judgement (at least outwardly) and travelled the 700kms with another gorgeous beautiful friend of mine, (let’s call her Artemis because she’s a goddess of the wilderness). Our basic logic was, if we have to go to Shitney *ahem* Sydney, we’re not doing it alone – solidarity sister! Call it a self-fulfilling prophecy if you wish, but our trip to Sydney did nothing but validate our already negative impression. And it wasn’t only the man on my flight who so confidently and comfortably imposed himself on Artemis and myself. It was also the bouncer who accused me of having an ‘attitude’ (as if that isn’t something I’m entitled to) and told my friend to ‘have a word with me’ – and since I was totally sober I can only imagine that it was my tomboy outfit and the fact that I had my arms around my gorgeous friend Artemis, that so offended him, or perhaps frightened him – a woman who does not require the validation of a man can be a very intimidating thing to some. Anyway, without further ado…
Dear Sir (because I know that’s what you’d expect to be called)
I am writing to inform you that, contrary to popular opinion, you are not actually entitled to share (read inflict) your condescending and intrusive opinion with whomever you please. I am aware that this piece of information may be quite confronting for you, an inherently privileged middle-aged white man who believes that his jurisdiction to educate extends far beyond the classroom you teach in. Perhaps you are not personally to blame, perhaps it is not your fault that you have spent your life surrounded by a society that teaches you that you, and your way of life, are fundamentally superior to all others. Perhaps it’s not your fault that this has led you to feel a firm sense of entitlement that you simply cannot shake. Or perhaps it is.
When you made the decision to share your unwanted opinion with myself and Artemis, while I might add we were stuck in the claustrophobic aisles of a recently landed plane, what you were doing was not ‘educating’ us but asserting what you believe to be your inherent superiority and degrading and belittling us in the process. You shared with us what you referred to as “an observation” which in truth was a thinly – if at all – veiled judgement on how we spoke. When I proceeded to politely inform you that I felt this was an observation that may have been best kept to yourself, as it was negative and condescending, you became highly defensive and accused me of “choosing to take it negatively”. I disagreed. You then rolled your eyes and said to me “If my wife were here she would never have let me say anything.” This statement astounded me in it’s almost accidental insight. “Why do you think that is?” I asked you, “because she doesn’t like it” you replied, “and why do you think she doesn’t like it?” I continued. At this you took pause, I think that perhaps you realised you had been cornered into introspection, after a moment you responded, “I guess she thinks it may offend or upset people” you said. At this I simply nodded, for a second, I thought perhaps this may become one of those interactions in which someone actually learns something, but alas, your final statement… “well it made me feel better.” Oh well thank fuck for that! The precious white man feels better, at the cost of those around him – but that’s not really your concern. (Also thank you to the wonderful woman in the row behind me, who to this statement responded “well I’m glad someone feels better”, and then proceeded to tell me that I handled the situation incredibly well – you can’t know how powerful your words of solidarity were for me.)
While the criticism that you deigned to impose upon myself and my friend, was not such a terrible one, I hope you understand that it was the interaction itself that was so hurtful. That you felt that your voice deserved a place in our lives, and our narrative. That you were so totally unable to swallow your judgement, sit back and enjoy your flight, without foisting your ‘observations’ on unwitting strangers. I hope that you went home to your wife and told her this story. I hope that you told it truthfully, that you gave credit to the fact that I did not raise my voice, or criticise you, or throw insults in your direction. I hope you told her exactly what happened, and I hope she disapproved of you. Perhaps you regret it. I hope so. I’m going to choose to give you the benefit of the doubt, to assume that you learnt a valuable lesson here and that next time you will think twice before trying to take up space that does not belong to you.
I’m sure you are not a bad person, but you are certainly a privileged and entitled one and so, I challenge you to use that privilege and entitlement not against the innocent strangers around you, but against the system that builds you up while simultaneously subjugating those who were not born into the type of body that you exist within. I know this may sound difficult and counterintuitive, why challenge a system that benefits you so much? But please remember, thriving on the back of other people’s suffering is truly one of the most selfish acts a person can commit. Challenge the system that perpetuates inequality, (note: sometimes this will be best done by keeping your mouth shut and creating a platform for those less privileged to be heard – however difficult that may be for you).
All the best for your future and thank you for teaching me a valuable life lesson – never fly with tiger.
Regards, the girl who says ‘like’ too much.
PS. FUCK THE PATRIARCHY.
Bad Feminist 